Note: this satirical story is a response to the Church of England’s official blessing of same sex unions and some in the Church arguing against any need for repentance and to the Pope approving of general blessings for ‘irregular’ relationships. These reversals of practice are responses of these Churches, while theologically different, to include homosexuals in the Church in their sexual identities and relationships. The new teachings contradict both Scripture and the Church's teaching for 2,000 years.
John popped
another locust with a dribble of honey into his mouth. He loosened his leather belt so that the
camel hair garment he wore did not chafe his skin so irritably. Looking up, he saw a crowd already descending
from the Jerusalem road to the Jordan River.
People from all over the Jordan region and Judea regularly sought him
out in the wilderness to hear him speak of the coming Kingdom of God and to
repent of their sins through baptism in the Jordan. The crowd this morning, however, seemed to
have something different about them this time.
He finished his breakfast and said a prayer, then watched them more
intensely. Was this some sort of
official delegation? Grabbing his
walking stick, he made himself visible on his side of the river. They saw him, altered their course slightly,
and headed his way.
As the crowd
drew closer and made their way to the low crossing point of the river, John
realised what was different this time.
The crowd was following behind a priest, dressed noticeably in his
ostentatious attire. Members of the
Jerusalem Sanhedrin—both Pharisees and Sadducees—appeared to be in the
entourage. John was accustomed to see
all sorts at the river, asking what they must do to prepare for the coming of
the Kingdom of God. Jewish tax collectors,
Roman soldiers, and average citizens were regulars.
Once the
visitors had assembled, the priest leading them asked, ‘Will you baptise us,
John?’ John was not sure of his
intonation and of what the question intended.
Was he asking whether John’s ministry calling for repentance would be so
brazen as to suggest that Jerusalem’s elite religious and government
authorities were included with sinners? He might be serious, however—a straightforward
request to be baptised in preparation for the coming reign of God. That seemed hardly possible. If the priest emphasised ‘you’ in asking, ‘Will
you baptise us, John?’ he might be intending to take over the work of baptism
at the Jordan, making it an official, temple ministry.
John replied,
‘This baptism is a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.’
‘We will kneel
and confess our sins,’ replied the priest, and with that the group knelt. ‘Ah,’ thought John, this is typical temple
repentance: insincere, perfunctory, ritualistic, and without any change of
character. ‘Hold on,’ said John. He knew this pseudo-religious crowd—his
father had told him many a story about the temple sacrifice culture of his day. Buy a dove or sheep at the temple, have it
sacrificed, repent for some sin, and have a priest say a prayer over you. Then come back to repeat the ordeal again for
the same sin. In fact, this superficial
grace was characteristic of persons claiming covenantal privileges. Repentance involved a quick and easy
correction; it did not threaten exclusion from the covenant. Had not Jeremiah said to the Jews of his day,
Amend your ways and your deeds, and I will let you dwell in this
place. Do not trust in these deceptive words: ‘This is the temple of the LORD,
the temple of the LORD, the temple of the LORD.[1]
Jeremiah had
asked them if they really thought that they could continue in their sins and
then show up to repent at the temple, thinking themselves delivered.[2] Reminding them of God’s destruction of
Shiloh, the original place where His tabernacle was located, Jeremiah predicted
that God would also destroy Jerusalem for its lack of sincere repentance.[3] As northern Israel had been sent into exile,
so also God would cast Judah out of His sight.
And that is what happened in Jeremiah’s lifetime. And here the Judeans were once again,
repeating history. Thinking themselves
safe with a perfunctory repentance, they would, in fact, be cast out of the
Kingdom of God.
John’s prophetic
ire rose, and he held nothing back. ‘You
brood of vipers!’ he began. This rocked
the Sadducees and Pharisees, who were accustomed to a modicum of restraint in
the measured speech of scholars and dignitaries. They cast a glance over at the tax
collectors. Perhaps John had somehow mistaken
them for the other group, but John continued to address them. ‘Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not presume to say to yourselves, “We
have Abraham as our father,” for I tell you, God is able from these stones to
raise up children for Abraham. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the
trees. Every tree therefore that does
not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.’[4]
As the Pharisees
and Sadducees began to discuss among themselves what to do with this indictment
of their lives and refusal to baptise them, a flash in the sky stopped
them. Everyone gaped in shock at what
seemed to be a comet fly across the sky and land somewhere just over the
hillside. ‘What could this mean?’ asked a
crowd primed for apocalyptic signs. ‘We
had better go and investigate,’ the centurion present with the soldiers said,
and he ordered three to depart post-haste.
They had only covered half a mile at a legionary trot, however, when
five people appeared at the top of the ridge.
One of them was waving wildly as they scurried down from the ridge. The one who had waved at them looked
something like the high priest, and everyone waited reverently as the newcomers
proceeded towards them.
He was not the
high priest, however. When they arrived,
the centurion asked, ‘Did you see that comet hit the ground over there?’ A Sadducee asked skeptically, ‘Are you some
sort of a priest?’ The newcomers could
not speak at first, being quite out of breath.
Someone brought them some water from the Jordan. They passed the hospitality upon seeing its
brown colour. Regaining their composure
after a couple of minutes, the priestly figure spoke, ‘That was no comet. You probably saw our time travel machine
arriving!’
‘Right, time
travellers!’ a brick layer in the crowd said, giving a knowing nudge to his
mate and tapping his head with a finger.
He rolled his eyes and scoffed. ‘What
is it with people who dress up in fancy robes thinking the rest of us are going
to go along with their cockeyed stories?’
His friend put his fingers to his lips.
‘Yes, yes. We are from way in the future and have come
to help you out here. We think we can
help out. We really want to straighten
you all out before this movement heads in the wrong direction for a couple
thousand years.’
‘Are you a
priest?’ the Sadducee repeated.
‘Yes. Actually, I am an archbishop, something like
your high priest. We are from Canterbury.’ He straightened his mitre, which kept sliding
off his head.
‘Canterbury?’
asked a Pharisee.
‘Oh, that is
also in the future for you. We don’t
need to explain all that right now. It
will be something like Jerusalem in the future.
The important thing is that we know what is happening here, and we have
come to help.’
Despite the
claims of time travel and of authority from a distant place and age, the
Sadducee remained on point. ‘So, you
know that this prophet refuses to accept our repentance? He insists that we also show the fruit of
repentance.’
‘Exactly. We have read the record. But we are here to say that there is another
option. You do not need to have this
sort of division among yourselves at all.
You can walk together in faith and love.
Some of you think you need to repent, others of you think you need to
repent and change your ways. The message
from the future is that God’s grace is so great that you can receive each other
just as you are. In fact, some of us say
that no repentance is necessary at all because of God’s amazing grace.’
John the Baptist
stepped forward. ‘No fruit? No repentance?’ The fiery preacher was astounded at the
dizzying height of this new level of twisted theology that not even the
Sadducees had imagined.
‘Exactly. That is the only way to stop pointing fingers
at everyone so that you can get along with each other and walk in faith and
love,’ stated the archbishop, expecting a gleeful response from the crowd,
which simply stared at him as though he were an alien.
Just then,
another comet raced across the sky.
The bricklayer from
Jericho nudged his neighbour. ‘Here we
go again,’ he said, ‘another loopy from the future.’
The previous
scene was repeated. Soon, five people
appeared on the ridge, waving furiously.
They looked quite similar to the previous group, mitre included. They hastened down the precipice like goats,
not bothering with the road. One man in
very fancy robes was being carried in some sort of chair with wheels,
however. Once they had joined the
others, refused the brown water from the Jordan, and recovered their breaths,
the mitred man said, ‘Stop. This baptism
for the repentance for the forgiveness of sins is the wrong approach altogether.’
‘We were just
getting this message from this lot over here,’ said John the Baptist, with a
wave of his hand to the Canterbury group.
‘Don’t tell us—you’re time travellers.’
‘Oh, yes!’
replied the speaker. ‘Well done. I am the pope, and I say to cease this
activity at once.’
‘The pope?’
asked the Sadducee. Was there any link
at all between this time and the future?
‘Yes. That is something in your future. It is something like your high priest, but
more important. No need to explain just
now, except that when I speak everyone is supposed to listen and obey.’
‘Nice gig,’ the
bricklayer commented, ‘speaking from your special chair and everyone obeying.’ He circled the wheelchair, ‘Nice coach work.’
‘Now,’ said the
pope, ‘listen. We have decided that we
need a more positive image all around. Hankering
on about everyone repenting is hardly positive.
Otherwise, we do not think we will be able to sell our religious product,
especially to the Germans.’
‘Oh, the
barbarians!’ everyone said.
‘They could use
a good bath, even in the Jordan,’ said the bricklayer. A fair-haired soldier glared at him, touching
the point of his lance.
John spoke up,
‘So, no repentance for you, either?’
‘Oh, no,’ said
the pope. ‘We like repentance. Don’t listen to this Kumbaya Canterbury crowd—we
know all about them. They don’t baptise
for original sin but for anticipated sin, if they know what they are doing at
all. Repentance is a good thing. It is just that we need a more positive
image. However, instead of approaching
sinners by saying, “You need to repent!” we suggest saying, “Would you like a
blessing?” That way, they feel all
welcomed and included. So, you see, we’ve
decided that what we need to do is offer general blessings to everyone, nobody
excluded. This John the Baptist fellow
is setting all the wrong tone, you see.
Fire and brimstone, axes at the root of the tree, repentance and fruit
before absolution—it is not the right branding.
To be frank, John, drop the baptism and repentance stuff and start
handing out general blessings.’
‘Well, Frank,
this is not what God has called me to do,’ said John.
‘I’m Francis,
not Frank. And I need to tell you that,
if you keep telling people to repent of their sins and change their ways,
you’ll lose your head one day. People do
not take kindly to such confrontational preaching, especially people in
positions of authority.’
John stood
before him, blinking but saying nothing.
He was thinking of line after line in the Scriptures that spoke of sin
and judgement, repentance and forgiveness.
How could anyone be so ignorant of the Word of God and yet so arrogant?
‘I propose that
we move this conversation to a more comfortable place,’ said the archbishop. With that, they headed off en masse to
Jericho.
Only John was
left beside the Jordan. A solitary
figure made his way along the banks of the river towards him. John recognised his cousin. ‘Shalom,’ he said.
‘Shalom,
John. I have come to be baptised.’
‘Oh, no, not
you! I need you to baptise me!’ he
replied. ‘And you won’t believe it, but
we just had two groups from the future here arguing against my ministry. One group claimed that pointing out people’s
sins does not lead to unity. Some of
them argued against repentance altogether.
The other group claimed that we should start blessing sinners to promote
a positive image.’
‘Baptise me,
John.’
‘But you are the
only one without sin.’
‘Only by
baptising me can righteousness be fulfilled, John, for I will take on myself
the sins of the world. The grace of God
is not about ignoring sin, denying sin, or blessing sin. The grace of God is about repentance, paying
for sin, forgiveness, and righteousness.
I have come to fulfil all righteousness.
Baptise me, John.’[5]
They entered the
water from either bank and met in the middle.
John wept. Somewhere in Jericho, travellers
from all over the region and even from the future were clanging glasses of wine
from Lebanon. A prostitute sighed—it would
be a busy day. ‘Would you like a
blessing?’ the pope and the archbishop asked simultaneously.
[1] Jeremiah 7.3-4.
[2] Jeremiah 7.8-10.
[3] Jeremiah 7.13-15.
[4] Matthew 3.7-10, ESV here and throughout.
[5] Matthew 3.15 with John 3.16.
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