A Satire
[The context: The Church of England bishops' recent approval of prayers for same-sex couples, and African provinces separating from them. See: https://anglicanmainstream.org/cofe-bishops-commend-prayers-blessing-same-sex-couples/]
‘I say, here we go again, Harold.’[1]
‘Yes, I remember our last visit to this
Lambeth Palace. Cor blimey, that was a
trip, wasn’t it?’
‘You mean an exciting, stimulating, and
intense experience?’
‘Not half. And more like a hallucinatory experience.’
‘Well, this time we really need to hold Mr
Archbishop's feet to the fire. He has to sign
his wife’s divorce papers and can’t weasel out of it. She's still in Africa, I believe. And here we are.
Let’s see if we can rouse the farmhouse.’
[Constant ringing of the bell.]
‘Last time, nobody came to the door for
quite a while. When the Archbishop finally did
answer, he had a chap hanging around the hallway closet with him! Ha!’
‘Now Harold, let’s keep our professionalism
up front and proper.’
[More ringing of the bell.]
‘I say, maybe nobody is at home. But then, do you hear some music, Harold?’
‘By Jove, yes, I do. And it is getting louder. Seems to be coming from outside somewhere
rather than in the house.’
‘Must be a concert in the Lambeth Palace
Garden. Let’s walk around and see if we
can catch up with the archbishop.’
‘Cor, they have this place locked up, don’t
they? Care to scale a wall? Hey, let’s see if we can go through the library
down the street at the other end of the garden.’
‘That music is definitely coming from the
garden. Look across the street, mind you: “The
Hindu-Christian Forum.” Wonder what that’s
all about?’
‘They must have much to talk about,
Harold. Couldn’t be better placed. The Hindu renounce worldly attachments, the
senses, and the fulfillment of desires, whereas our lot can’t get enough of
them.’
‘Sounds like irreconcileable differences.’
‘Not entirely. They both have their versions of denying
reality. At least, the chap we're looking for does.’
‘Ah, here’s St. Thomas’ Hospital. Isn’t Parliament behind this on the other
side of the Thames?’
‘Right you are, Harold. And now that I think of it, a famous doctor
here was named Harold, a Harold Ridley. He
pioneered implanting some lens in the eye for people with fuzzy vision right
here back in 1949. Crickey, this place
is a walking parable. An eye hospital
here bringing people clarity of vision right between Parliament and Lambeth Palace.... And here’s our Lambeth Library.’
[They enter.]
‘Harold, look at this. There is a special exhibit on, Four Centuries
of the Court of the Arches. Ends 20th
October. It says here that the exhibit is
a look at the Court’s records on “infidelity, defamation, and wayward religious
practices.” Can’t make this stuff up,
Harold. Walking parable, I say. Let’s see if we can find the archbishop back
in the garden.’
‘Urgent legal matter, Ma'am. We were hoping to deliver some private papers
to the archbishop this way if he is in the garden. Can’t trust them to anyone else…. He is there?’
‘Yes, but I shall have to escort you.’
‘Certainly.
Appreciate it very much. And your
name is…?’
‘Alice.
Yes, come this way, gentlemen.’
‘Come on, Harold, we’re going down the rabbit
hole with Alice into Wonderland.’
‘I believe he is in the Archbishop’s
Playground.’
‘Of course…. Ah, this explains the music we heard. Is that Elton John singing “All the Young
Girls Love Alice”?’
‘I believe so.’
‘Your Grace, these two men are on
urgent business and asked to see you. So
sorry for this disturbance.’
‘Not at all. Thank you, Alice.’
‘Appreciate your time, Sir. You may recall our visit some months
back. We have these papers from your
wife in Africa to sign. The boss has now
sent us back to get your signature, and we’ll gladly be on our way and out your
hair, figuratively speaking, of course.’
‘Yes, I do recall. Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the bishop
of London, Sarah Mullally? Sarah, would
you mind showing these gentlemen around while I have a quick look at these
documents? Shouldn’t be but a few
minutes.’
‘Not at all. We’re having a celebration of Love and Faith
in this lovely garden.’
‘I see a smoke machine. Hard to see anybody in this area. Is there a reason for this?’
‘Well, Elton brought it with him. But someone turned it around on the lot of us
to make an important point.’
‘More metaphor, Harold.’
‘Yes, a metaphor. You see, we believe that the secret to
walking in love and faith together is uncertainty. Faith cannot any longer mean what we believe; it must now mean that
our convictions are uncertain. We do not hold things 'in truth' but only 'in faith'. That allows each of us to accept what others hold 'in faith'. We buried truth earlier this morning over there. And "the heart of the gospel is reconciliation -- our desire is
to remain together as one Church in our uncertainty, finding ways to live well
with our different perspectives and convictions."’[2]
‘So, the
fog represents uncertainty of convictions and different perspectives?’
‘You got
it in one.’
‘So, without
the fog, people would disagree. With the
fog, there is unity.’
‘Agreed. Exactly.’
‘And you
are certain about this?’
‘I see
you are a witty man! Let’s just pop over
here. There is a public reading of our
new prayers blessing same-sex couples.’
‘Ah, God
has changed His mind about that, has He?’
‘Well,
He’s been changing His mind. We had to help
Him a little, but He’s come around, and here we are!’
‘So, is
this what will be said at marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples in the
Church of England?’
‘Oh, no,
at least not yet. Marriage is still only
between a man and a woman. These are only
blessings for same-sex couples living together.’
‘Harold
here is the brains between us, Mum.
Harold, did you catch that? I
might have to step further away from that fog machine.’
‘Yes,
yes, I did catch it. We need to stay near the fog, though. You see, after
walking together in love and faith, you then live together in sin and
grace. You sin, and the Church blesses
you. That way, you get to this new
notion of the Gospel as a reconciliation of contradictions, like sin and
grace. The more we sin, the more grace
we can receive and extend and so be reconciled to God and to one another.’
‘And we bishops are in the process of removing the contradiction itself. Just like this part of the garden. You see the cross is being removed. We can’t very well have Jesus dying on a
cross for our sins if we are going to continue in sin, can we? Once we get rid of sin, we need to get rid of
the cross. Once we get rid of both, we
do not have to worry about old ideas like holiness and sanctification or God’s
judgement.’
‘So,
what is replacing the cross?’
‘A statue
of Eros, with a blindfold. Someone
suggested that to the archbishop a while back, and the idea took hold.’
‘That
might have been me, but it wasn’t meant in a good way.’[3]
‘Well,
it took hold. We all loved the
idea. Why should Love not be blindfolded? We want to bless love in all its forms. No matter who is struck by the arrow of love,
their love should be blessed and celebrated.’
‘Fog and blindfolds. I see. Kind of
like that love under every green and leafy tree the Canaanites used to get on
with in their fertility cult?’
‘Oh, you
are marvelous. Here’s our archbishop
again.’
‘Yes,
gentlemen, I have provided you with my scrawl.
Oh, here’s that fog machine on us!’
[Elton
John singing:]
Some people never come clean
I think you know what I mean
You're walkin' the wire
Pain and desire
Looking for love in between[4]
‘Well, then, thank you marry vuch, I mean
very much, Mr Archbishop, sir.’
‘And you can tell her that she will get
nothing, including no alimony. My
lawyers will see to that.
[Elton John continues singing:]
Victim of love, you're just a victim of love
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no, I'm not
Victim of love, now you're a victim of love
What kind of love have you got?
What kind of love have you got?
What kind of love have you got?
‘We thank you both for the tour and the
papers. We’ll see ourselves out. Goodbye.’
‘Here we go, Harold, this way. Don’t talk to that large egg on the wall, he’s
disputing the meaning of ‘marriage’ this time.[5]
‘Once we’re out, let’s pop over to that eye
clinic.’
‘Good thought, Harold, good thought. Busy street, though. I’m just not sure you can get there from
here.’
[1] This satire continues my earlier one: Rollin G. Grams, ‘You Have
Been Served,’ Bible and Mission Blog (24
April, 2023); https://bibleandmission.blogspot.com/2023/04/youve-been-served.html
(accessed 10 October, 2023).
[2] Quote from Bishop Sarah Mullally provided in ‘Prayers of Love and
Faith: House of Bishops agree next steps to bring to Synod,’ Church of England News (10 October,
2023); https://virtueonline.org/prayers-love-and-faith-house-bishops-agree-next-steps-bring-synod
(accessed 10 October, 2023).
[3] See footnote 1, above.
[4] From Elton John’s ‘Victim of Love.’
[5] See Rollin G. Grams, ‘Nobody in Wonderland Believes We Can Define “Woman”,’
Bible and Mission (5 September,
2023); https://bibleandmission.blogspot.com/2023/09/nobody-in-wonderland-believes-we-can.html
(accessed 10 October, 2023).
Comments