Victim of Love

 A Satire 

[The context: The Church of England bishops' recent approval of prayers for same-sex couples, and African provinces separating from them.  See: https://anglicanmainstream.org/cofe-bishops-commend-prayers-blessing-same-sex-couples/]

‘I say, here we go again, Harold.’[1]

‘Yes, I remember our last visit to this Lambeth Palace.  Cor blimey, that was a trip, wasn’t it?’

‘You mean an exciting, stimulating, and intense experience?’

‘Not half.  And more like a hallucinatory experience.’

‘Well, this time we really need to hold Mr Archbishop's feet to the fire.  He has to sign his wife’s divorce papers and can’t weasel out of it.  She's still in Africa, I believe.  And here we are.  Let’s see if we can rouse the farmhouse.’

[Constant ringing of the bell.]

‘Last time, nobody came to the door for quite a while.  When the Archbishop finally did answer, he had a chap hanging around the hallway closet with him!  Ha!’

‘Now Harold, let’s keep our professionalism up front and proper.’

[More ringing of the bell.]

‘I say, maybe nobody is at home.  But then, do you hear some music, Harold?’

‘By Jove, yes, I do.  And it is getting louder.  Seems to be coming from outside somewhere rather than in the house.’

‘Must be a concert in the Lambeth Palace Garden.  Let’s walk around and see if we can catch up with the archbishop.’

‘Cor, they have this place locked up, don’t they?  Care to scale a wall?  Hey, let’s see if we can go through the library down the street at the other end of the garden.’

‘That music is definitely coming from the garden.  Look across the street, mind you: “The Hindu-Christian Forum.”  Wonder what that’s all about?’

‘They must have much to talk about, Harold.  Couldn’t be better placed.  The Hindu renounce worldly attachments, the senses, and the fulfillment of desires, whereas our lot can’t get enough of them.’

‘Sounds like irreconcileable differences.’

‘Not entirely.  They both have their versions of denying reality.  At least, the chap we're looking for does.’

‘Ah, here’s St. Thomas’ Hospital.  Isn’t Parliament behind this on the other side of the Thames?’

‘Right you are, Harold.  And now that I think of it, a famous doctor here was named Harold, a Harold Ridley.  He pioneered implanting some lens in the eye for people with fuzzy vision right here back in 1949.  Crickey, this place is a walking parable.  An eye hospital here bringing people clarity of vision right between Parliament and Lambeth Palace....  And here’s our Lambeth Library.’

[They enter.]

‘Harold, look at this.  There is a special exhibit on, Four Centuries of the Court of the Arches.  Ends 20^th October.  It says here that the exhibit is a look at the Court’s records on “infidelity, defamation, and wayward religious practices.”  Can’t make this stuff up, Harold.  Walking parable, I say.  Let’s see if we can find the archbishop back in the garden.’

‘Urgent legal matter, Ma'am.  We were hoping to deliver some private papers to the archbishop this way if he is in the garden.  Can’t trust them to anyone else….  He is there?’

‘Yes, but I shall have to escort you.’

‘Certainly.  Appreciate it very much.  And your name is…?’

‘Alice.  Yes, come this way, gentlemen.’

‘Come on, Harold, we’re going down the rabbit hole with Alice into Wonderland.’

‘I believe he is in the Archbishop’s Playground.’

‘Of course….  Ah, this explains the music we heard.  Is that Elton John singing “All the Young Girls Love Alice”?’

‘I believe so.’

‘Your Grace, these two men are on urgent business and asked to see you.  So sorry for this disturbance.’

‘Not at all.  Thank you, Alice.’

‘Appreciate your time, Sir.  You may recall our visit some months back.  We have these papers from your wife in Africa to sign.  The boss has now sent us back to get your signature, and we’ll gladly be on our way and out your hair, figuratively speaking, of course.’

‘Yes, I do recall.  Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the bishop of London, Sarah Mullally?  Sarah, would you mind showing these gentlemen around while I have a quick look at these documents?  Shouldn’t be but a few minutes.’

‘Not at all.  We’re having a celebration of Love and Faith in this lovely garden.’

‘I see a smoke machine.  Hard to see anybody in this area.  Is there a reason for this?’

‘Well, Elton brought it with him.  But someone turned it around on the lot of us to make an important point.’

‘More metaphor, Harold.’

‘Yes, a metaphor.  You see, we believe that the secret to walking in love and faith together is uncertainty.  Faith cannot any longer mean what we believe; it must now mean that our convictions are uncertain.  We do not hold things 'in truth' but only 'in faith'.  That allows each of us to accept what others hold 'in faith'.  We buried truth earlier this morning over there.  And "the heart of the gospel is reconciliation -- our desire is to remain together as one Church in our uncertainty, finding ways to live well with our different perspectives and convictions."’[2]

‘So, the fog represents uncertainty of convictions and different perspectives?’

‘You got it in one.’

‘So, without the fog, people would disagree.  With the fog, there is unity.’

‘Agreed.  Exactly.’

‘And you are certain about this?’

‘I see you are a witty man!  Let’s just pop over here.  There is a public reading of our new prayers blessing same-sex couples.’

‘Ah, God has changed His mind about that, has He?’

‘Well, He’s been changing His mind.  We had to help Him a little, but He’s come around, and here we are!’

‘So, is this what will be said at marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples in the Church of England?’

‘Oh, no, at least not yet.  Marriage is still only between a man and a woman.  These are only blessings for same-sex couples living together.’

‘Harold here is the brains between us, Mum.  Harold, did you catch that?  I might have to step further away from that fog machine.’

‘Yes, yes, I did catch it.  We need to stay near the fog, though.  You see, after walking together in love and faith, you then live together in sin and grace.  You sin, and the Church blesses you.  That way, you get to this new notion of the Gospel as a reconciliation of contradictions, like sin and grace.  The more we sin, the more grace we can receive and extend and so be reconciled to God and to one another.’

‘And we bishops are in the process of removing the contradiction itself.  Just like this part of the garden.  You see the cross is being removed.  We can’t very well have Jesus dying on a cross for our sins if we are going to continue in sin, can we?  Once we get rid of sin, we need to get rid of the cross.  Once we get rid of both, we do not have to worry about old ideas like holiness and sanctification or God’s judgement.’

‘So, what is replacing the cross?’

‘A statue of Eros, with a blindfold.  Someone suggested that to the archbishop a while back, and the idea took hold.’

‘That might have been me, but it wasn’t meant in a good way.’[3]

‘Well, it took hold.  We all loved the idea.  Why should Love not be blindfolded?  We want to bless love in all its forms.  No matter who is struck by the arrow of love, their love should be blessed and celebrated.’

‘Fog and blindfolds.  I see.  Kind of like that love under every green and leafy tree the Canaanites used to get on with in their fertility cult?’

‘Oh, you are marvelous.  Here’s our archbishop again.’

‘Yes, gentlemen, I have provided you with my scrawl.  Oh, here’s that fog machine on us!’

[Elton John singing:]

Some people never come clean
I think you know what I mean
You're walkin' the wire
Pain and desire
Looking for love in between[4]

‘Well, then, thank you marry vuch, I mean very much, Mr Archbishop, sir.’

‘And you can tell her that she will get nothing, including no alimony.  My lawyers will see to that.

[Elton John continues singing:]

Victim of love, you're just a victim of love
I could be wrong, but I'm not, no, I'm not
Victim of love, now you're a victim of love
What kind of love have you got?
What kind of love have you got?
What kind of love have you got?

‘We thank you both for the tour and the papers.  We’ll see ourselves out.  Goodbye.’

‘Here we go, Harold, this way.  Don’t talk to that large egg on the wall, he’s disputing the meaning of ‘marriage’ this time.[5]

‘Once we’re out, let’s pop over to that eye clinic.’

‘Good thought, Harold, good thought.  Busy street, though.  I’m just not sure you can get there from here.’

---

[1] This satire continues my earlier one: Rollin G. Grams, ‘You Have Been Served,’ Bible and Mission Blog (24 April, 2023); https://bibleandmission.blogspot.com/2023/04/youve-been-served.html (accessed 10 October, 2023).

[2] Quote from Bishop Sarah Mullally provided in ‘Prayers of Love and Faith: House of Bishops agree next steps to bring to Synod,’ Church of England News (10 October, 2023); https://virtueonline.org/prayers-love-and-faith-house-bishops-agree-next-steps-bring-synod (accessed 10 October, 2023).

[3] See footnote 1, above.

[4] From Elton John’s ‘Victim of Love.’

[5] See Rollin G. Grams, ‘Nobody in Wonderland Believes We Can Define “Woman”,’ Bible and Mission (5 September, 2023); https://bibleandmission.blogspot.com/2023/09/nobody-in-wonderland-believes-we-can.html (accessed 10 October, 2023).